It’s OK not to be OK

Forgive the Jessie J inspired title of this post but I’ve been doing a bit of self- surveying and I’ve concluded that I need to be more open with my emotions. My problem is not that I don’t care about people, I love showing and telling people how much I love them, maybe a little too much sometimes but that’s by the by. I’ve recently noticed that I struggle to cry in public or in front of anyone that isn’t my parents or my best friends. Even watching the saddest film won’t force me to shed a tear even though I’ll literally be choking on the lump in my throat. If I am sad, I try to shrug it off afterwards and pretend as if it’s not something to worry about. Recently I got emotional over something and even though I sobbed into my friend’s shoulder, when I’d recovered, my other friends asked me if I was OK. I stalled.

Instead of saying, “I’m alright now, thank you though” and acknowledge to them that I had been upset, I walked into the room, said ‘yeaahhhh’ in a strange drawn out way, pulled a strange face, uttered the phrase, ‘I cried in public yay’ and left the room.

Who even does that?! What sort of weird individual am I?! I’m actually cringing at myself every time I picture the scene.

Without dwelling on the fact that I’ve been upset, I need to start recognising that it’s alright to be upset or let people know that I’ve been upset. Part of the problem is that I always want to be the pillar of strength that people can come to with their problems and I’m worried that if people think I’m easily upset, they’ll stop coming to me for help. I thrive on making people feel better about themselves, helping and supporting people through their problems and being the person that people can come to if they’re in trouble. Most people, if not everyone has the desire to be needed and I’m no different; I’ll put all my problems aside if someone comes to me with one of their own.

It’s not that I want to look like I’m a stone; I wish the pressure that built up in my chest when we watched ‘The Impossible’ had erupted in a torrent of tears if only to show my friends that I’m not an emotionless rock. But it didn’t happen, I didn’t shed one tear in the whole of that heart wrenching film! I can cry on my own to my heart’s content which is actually a really depressing thing to write down. It’s mainly to do with the fact that no one has to see my face when I cry, not even me, which is great because I can just let all the emotion out without worrying what I look like.

I want to remain the happy enthusiastic person that I truely am but I need to remember that it’s alright to be upset, I don’t have to tackle sad situations by trying to lighten the mood; if anything this makes a situation worse because you’re trying to force happiness into situations where it has no place. Learning to accept sadness is my path to a more balanced way of living; I always tell people that it’s alright to be sad sometimes and it’s time to take my own advice.

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